If I had been an actual biking journalist I’d in all probability be selecting a “Bike Of The Yr” proper now, which might in all probability be the Rivendell Roadini:
Not solely is it versatile and comfy, but it surely’s additionally considered one of (if not the) final remaining regular non-custom highway bike nonetheless in manufacturing anyplace on Earth.
However who the hell desires a motorbike like that in 2025? The place’s the downtube storage compartment? Are you able to even put a suspension fork on there? And the way the hell are you purported to cease it with out disc brakes?!?
So let’s select a Bike Of The Yr higher suited to the trendy shopper from among the many many new fashions I’ve featured in 2025 regardless of by no means having ridden them and even seen them in particular person.
Right here goes:
Ari Bike Shafer 3.0
This daring new gravel bicycle fills me with satisfaction, for at a time when antisemitism is as soon as once more rearing its hideous head in Western tradition, the Ari Shafer stands tall and wears its heritage resolutely on its sleeve.
Oh wait, no it doesn’t:
So “Ari” is brief for “Fezzari,” and Shafer is a path in Utah?
That’s essentially the most goyishe factor I’ve ever heard! Screw them, I take all of it again. Although it does have “rider-centric geometry,” and it’s about time, too, as a result of I purchased a motorbike with pet-centric geometry not too long ago and it was a complete waste as a result of my cat received’t even experience it.
The New Surly Straggler
In 2025 there gave the impression to be no center floor between plastic-and-electronic technical wonders and self-consciously retro boutique choices. Enter Surly, an organization that way back ditched the utilitarian for the soporific. Not solely did they discover that center floor, however in addition they constructed a Consolation Inn on it, put a Do Not Disturb signal on each door deal with, and rocked us all gently to sleep.
Severely, this factor is deeply and profoundly boring. If Skechers Arms Free Slip-ins™ had been a motorbike, the brand new Straggler could be it. The one factor even mildly provocative about it’s the aesthetically unappealing hot-dog-in-a-hallway fork/headtube junction:
However even that’s boring, because the objective isn’t to offend you, it’s merely as a result of* they couldn’t be bothered to please you.
*(And for suspension fork compatibility, making this maybe the one bicycle on the earth that will look higher with a suspension fork…with the potential exception of the Trek Y-Foil, although I notice it’s extremely controversial to recommend a Y-Foil can ever look good.)
Canyon Grizl
Unveiled with a lot fanfare, and Jesus-carrying, the Grizl is all the things the Straggler isn’t. Besides boring. They’re each very, very boring. However the Grizl is a special form of boring. It’s not khaki pants boring; it’s the boring of somebody who’s making an attempt too laborious to not be boring. It’s boring doubling over on itself and giving itself fellatio. It’s boring just like the handsome standard one that will get invited to all of the events and wears all the best garments and will get tons and many textual content messages and but has no actual character is boring, and I guess the Grizl cries itself to sleep each night time as a result of deep down it is aware of how actually boring it’s, identical to the handsome standard particular person does.
Aethos 2
5 years in the past now, after they launched the Aethos after years of promoting misshapen bicycles, Specialised had the audacity to faux they invented highway bikes with spherical tubes. Now there’s an “Aethos 2,” and it’s “impossibly responsive, supple, and elegant.” This raises an necessary query:
HOW THE HELL CAN SOMETHING BE “IMPOSSIBLY RESPONSIVE?”
Wouldn’t “impossibly responsive” imply it’s unable to reply? There’s one other phrase for that, you already know:
It’s the epitome of the impossibility of response.
Trek CheckOUT
The bike corporations have educated the media nicely, and when Trek unveiled the CheckOUT you wanted waders to make your method by means of all of the drool. After all, though you possibly can’t ever hope to say its full identify ten occasions quick, the Examine TrekOUT is actually a outstanding bicycle, as a result of it’s simply essentially the most store-bought factor on two wheels ever. From the strategically edgy paint job to the Travis Bickle-inspired sliding downtube-mounted drawer tracks to the rear rack that comes crooked straight from the manufacturing unit, the Trek CheckOUT is like spending $1,490 $745 for a pair of patched denims:
By the best way, that’s a fantastic deal on these denims! So I purchased two. I truly saved cash!
Issue One
Hideous in each method, it’s the bicycle we deserve, and I don’t imply that in a great way.
Between the Issue One and the Ethos 2, the bike business appears decided to insult you at each flip.
Due to this fact, I’m hereby giving the award to the Kent Grime Runner:
All it wants is a pair of Rene Herse tires.
