Hit Me With Your Greatest Shart

Yep, nonetheless no winner to announce within the BIKE SNOB GRAVEL SPIRIT GRAVEL DUMONDE LUBE GRAVEL GRAVEL GRAVEL search engine optimization CONTEST as a result of I’m nonetheless too far too engrossed within the entries, which embody a play in a single act, that includes a pleasant solid of characters comparable to this one:

I’ll have to supply this, as a result of it may very well be the very best piece of bicycle-themed theater for the reason that Belle of the Ball Bearings:

Then there’s a haiku and a limerick from Andrew in Helena, Montana, a spot which seems like it might be very gravelly–and dusty:

Mud in each crack,Grit settles within the scranus,Trip now, remorse quickly.

…

There as soon as was a spirit known as Scranus,Who lurks within the mud simply behind us.Don’t journey gravel too far,Simply to the subsequent bar,Or he’ll sandblast your shorts and your anus.

I’ll take this chance to announce that Dustin Everycrack is my new Gravel Porn Identify.

Oh, and right here’s one other submission, which seems to depict Dustin Everycrack along with his girlfriend, Sandy Beaver:

Certain, it’s clearly AI, however I by no means banned AI from the competition now, did I?

Sadly round these components Previous Man Winter continues to take a seat on the Spirit of Gravel’s face and smother it along with his Snowy Taint of Despair:

Nonetheless, it seems to be like temperatures will quickly enhance, which implies all this snow goes to lastly begin melting–which in flip means the roads can be really moist and disgusting, and I’ll spare you going any additional with the taintal metaphor, other than suggesting that the streets are going to be like Assos Man’s chamois that morning he did intervals with a hangover:

Because of this, a single Devoted Fender Bike goes to be inadequate, and so I’ve taken the extra step of re-fendering the Milwaukee:

Observe that I’ve retained the WFL (Wonky Fender Line) it wore proudly earlier than its makeover:

In the event you look nearer you possibly can see the buboes that necessitated mentioned makeover, brought about little doubt by my poisonous sweat:

I believed briefly of correcting the fender line, however of the various bicycle upkeep duties that appear like they’ll take a couple of minutes however wind up taking a couple of hours, fender set up is the top. On this case I used to be putting in the exact same fenders that had been on the exact same bike, and but even that took for much longer than I anticipated, and the extra time it took the much less inclined I used to be to futz with the size of the stays on high of every part else, ultimately reaching the inevitable conclusion, that being to say, “Fuck it, ok.”

At this level I ought to be taught my lesson and maintain the fenders on there till 2035 after I paint the bike once more. Hey, perhaps they will paint round them…

Talking of the Milwaukee, along with refinishing it in pink (I imagine the precise title of the colour is Flaming Intercourse Copper or one thing like that), final yr I additionally handled it to a model new R7000 drivetrain, which was the final time Shimano provided rim brakes on the 105 degree or above. It was clear to anyone paying consideration that the tip of rim brakes on the 105 degree was a nasty signal…apart from the Wankerati, after all, who’re solely now whining in regards to the state of the trendy street bike drivetrain:

He doesn’t need Cues (sorry, CUES), and he doesn’t need the newest 105. He desires…older 105, just like the stuff on the Milwaukee, solely the silver model:

What I might actually like to see, nevertheless, is a return to easy, polished metallic for all of the parts, one thing like the attractive silver possibility on the R7000 Shimano 105 from 2018 – and even the limited-edition polished GRX from a couple of years in the past.

Oh, Warren. Warren, Warren, Warren. You understand why it’s this fashion? Due to PEOPLE LIKE YOU:

It’s YOUR FAULT, Warren. You and all of your Wankerati cohorts within the biking media. YOU PEOPLE wouldn’t settle for rim brakes anymore, and also you informed us we shouldn’t both. It’s due to YOU PEOPLE all of the excessive finish stuff went disc, and digital. See, rim brakes had been the one factor maintaining bicycle components sincere. However they weren’t ok for the likes of YOU, had been they, Warren and mates? So now they’re gone, and so is the stylish, inexpensive rim brake drivetrain. It’s gone as a result of YOU KILLED IT, Warren, and it’s by no means coming again. I hope you’re happy with your self.

And nonetheless these individuals don’t be taught. Even Shimano isn’t utterly ruthless, so that they got here up with this entire CUES factor–low cost, mechanical, good for cheap street bikes…however not ok for Warren. As a result of it’s too “chunky,” although Shimano hasn’t made a non-chunky bike half since like 2012:

Don’t get me mistaken, I like CUES. I’ve tried it on flat-bar bikes and been impressed. It’s additionally the drivetrain I’ve chosen for my mountain bike to gravel bike conversion.

Nonetheless, it’s not fairly proper for mid-range efficiency street bikes. Its design is derived from Shimano’s GRX gravel groupset and mountain bikes. CUES has a extra sturdy look, which is sweet for gravel and concrete bikes, however too chunky and clunky for a lithe-looking street bike.

Proper. I’m wanting ahead to the “It’s Time We Dropped Mechanical Shifting Altogether” piece later this yr, adopted by “Mind Implanted Shifting Is Coming, However The place Have All The Chunky Inexpensive Mechanical Highway Bike Groupsets Gone?” in 2030.