The Bare Reality

It’s a very good factor that Australia is all the way in which on the opposite aspect of the planet as a result of my worst nightmare is someway getting combined up within the World Bare Bike Journey:

The World Bare Bike Journey combines the 2 issues I consider folks shouldn’t flaunt publicly: their exuberance, and their genitals. Certain, there’s a time and a spot for each, however I shouldn’t should take care of both of them on my strategy to work. Nonetheless, some folks really feel fairly otherwise, and so they relish being surrounded by a bunch fellow riders whose ass cheeks are indistinguishable from their saddlebags:

The thought of World Bare Bike Journey members making an attempt vigorously and vainly to wipe issues off of one another’s faces and different physique elements is now going to hang-out my goals.

After all, that is Australia, so whereas the members received’t be sporting garments, they are going to be sporting helmets:

It appears to me if you happen to actually needed to make a degree about liberating cyclists from the tyranny of fossil fuels and the motorized vehicle industrial advanced you’d have a World Helmetless Bike Journey. It doesn’t even make sense from a security perspective, as a result of if you happen to’re going to fall off your bike, which might you relatively be sporting: a helmet, or pants? “Certain, I’ve received a saddle sore the dimensions of a cantaloupe on my scranus and highway rash alongside the whole size of my penis, however thank goodness I used to be sporting a helmet!” However I suppose folks in Australia are so deeply conditioned that they’ll experience round bare and in helmets with out experiencing any cognitive dissonance.

And talking of saddle sores, why drag the poor harmless bicycle into this disgusting mess, anyway? Wouldn’t the perfect car for using bare be an e-scooter?

I’m not an enormous fan of them myself, however objectively talking there’s actually no higher contraption for bare using, because you get most visibility and minimal crotchal chafing, to not point out wonderful airflow round and thru your undercarriage.

However in fact the World Bare Bike Journey isn’t about sensible issues, it’s about “desexualizing the human physique:”

Hey, how’s that figuring out for you, Australia?

And don’t overlook crucial consideration in any respect–the local weather!

The conspiracy ought to be apparent to anybody who’s learn the most recent Trek Sustainability Report:

Do you know they’re portray their bikes with natural supplies now?

Their brand is even constructed from “biomass waste:”

Right here’s what biomass waste means:

World Bare Bike Journey? Physique paint? Paint constructed from biomass waste?!?

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION NOW???

That’s proper, inside 5 years the biking trade goes to put off clothes altogether. As a substitute, you’ll experience bare, and so they’ll promote you a can of manure and sewage sludge to color your self with earlier than the massive experience. Perhaps it’ll even include an entire banana peel you need to use as a chamois.

However let’s not lose sight of the truth that the most important supply of Trek’s emissions isn’t the paint, or the clothes, and even the helmets. It’s the bicycles themselves:

Appears fairly clear to me that Trek ought to cease making bikes.